C4NKR : out & about

 

Well after a good few months of this it has now come to the point where Mgmt are well pissed off and I've been asked (leaving me knowing damn well that it is not really a request) to stop it. I know that they have no power to force me to stop but I also know they can make my life a complete misery if I don't, and atm I am in no position to lose my job, so thats it folks, the end, no more of this blog. I still maintain that I have kept the location hidden and not caused any problems for the Council, although I may have overstepped the mark on the odd occasion but I say what I feel and thats really an end to it.

 

I've enjoyed writing it, I hope you all have enjoyed reading it, so those of you in the know will know where to go now.

 

C4nkr signing out

 

Life has been quite sweeeeeeeeeeeeet out on the beat recently. After the last assault I've been quiet nervous, shying away from possible confrontation and generally trying to stay out of trouble. I've been keeping the lips firmly closed, speaking only when spoken to, refusing point blank to get into a ruck with anyone and generally keeping myself to myself. Unfortunately this has reflected on the amounts of PCN's I've issued to the point that I have slipped down the ratings considerably, a fact that has not gone unnoticed by the powers that be.

 

So it came as quite a surprise to me to catch myself whistling happilly the other day as I patrolled around, gaily slapping the ol PCN's on anything that didn't move when it should have done, chatting amaiably with anyone stupid enough to say anything to me, and generally really enjoying myself again. After a few mins reflection I realised I'd recovered from the drubbing and was virtually back to my old self again, confidence much restored, more alert and actively seeking out those foolish enough to think they could park where they liked and get away with it.

 

On Sunday I was in for the normal 3 hour stint but actually looked forward to it. I had 2 issues within 5 mins of leaving the office, parked on DYL not 200 yards from base, as it is well known that DYL don't count on a Sunday. Where the hell people get this misconception from I really do not know and I'm always quick to point out the 24 hr, 365 days a year rule, although it nearly always falls on deaf ears (one of the first two cars I've done before in the same spot on other Sundays). So, with 2 under my belt I headed off to the arse end of the Borough to see what was there - bugger all in this case, so back to the centre and the only chargeable car park around on a Sunday which yielded another pair outside the local megastore. Off on my travels again, heading for the 'Happy Clappers' playground that is always good for a few tickets as their faith in their chosen deity has no effect whatsoever on me or my conscience (I'm going to hell anyway so what difference will a few PCN's make ) - but today all was in order - BBs sitting pretty in all the screens of every car on the DYL so left well alone. Not so lucky for the Lexus on the other side of the main road though that added to my tally. Moved on to the turning circle area but found it barren so headed off again, then spotted a pair on an 02 section near the bus station - quick stop, PCNS on, disappearing rapidly in a cloud of diesel exhaust. Back to the car park for another quickie then getting redy for pastures new when I checked my watch - where the hell had those 3 hours gone ??. Back to the office, download etc and home to a nice chilled Chardonnay.

 

 

 

Been quiet recently - no grief, no real trouble. Not writing much atm as I'm so pissed off with the powers that be.

 

A quick example of how not to and how to treat a traffic warden.

 

My Colleague and I came across a lorry in a bust stop and, next to it, a small van on an 02 DYL. I headed for the van and left my colleague to the bus stop. She was no more than 15 ft from me so I heard all that happened :-

 

"Good afternoon Sir, you do realise that you are unloading from a bust stop which is a complete no no"

"Where the fuck am I supposed to unload from then?"

"How about that loading bay over there" - 10 feet away, other side of the road

"That's on the wrong side of the road and is far too difficult for me" - oddly every other wagon uses the bay

"Be that as it may sir, you are not allowed to unload from a bus stop and if you persist I will have to issue you with a PCN"

"What fucking harm am I doing, I'm out of the way and there are no buses"

Stifled giggle from me at this point

"Well sir, what exactly is that huge thing parked directly in front of you, and that single decker alongside you and, oh look, here comes another one"

At this point my colleague is entering details into the handheld, the driver is loading a sack barrow and I am wiping tears from my eyes. Matey boy finishes loading the sack barrow and heads off to the shop. My colleague looks at me, shrugs and slaps it on. As she is taking photos he returns.

"What the fuck, you actually did it ??"

"Of course sir, as I said you are not allowed to unload from a bus stop"

"You bitch"

"Yup, but a pretty one"

My van has long gone so I strolled over to join my colleague, smiling at the driver as i passed.

"And what the fuck do you find so funny fatty" - you bastard

"I just can't believe you thought you wouldn't get issued to"

He angrily loads more boxes on the sack barrow, but screws it up when he moves it and they all fall on the floor, much to our great amusement.

"You cunt, If I wasn't working I'd smash your face in"

"If you weren't working we wouldn't be having this conversation, Sir" - with a huge grin on my face.

He reloaded the barrow, scowled and headed off - we went in the other direction

 

A day or so later, different loaction, I spot a drey unloading from a DYL 02 zone, tut tut

"Good afternoon sir, you realise you are not really allowed to unload here, but if you just go to the other side of the road you are as safe as houses"

"I know mate, but due to the knobs at Health and Safety we are not allowed to roll barrels across a road anymore. If you need to put a ticket on feel free, we don't pay them"

"How long are you likely to be sir?" - the road here is a dead end, there is no passing traffic and I can't see what harm he is doing at the mo - a bit of discretion called for.

"I'm just waiting for my mate to finish with the paperwork then we are off"

"No worries then"

"No ticket ??"

"Nope"

"Bloody hell, a PA with a conscience"

"I'm not here to make enemies - people treat me nicely and I return the compliment so as to speak - mind you, if it were busy here then things would be different"

"I've got a couple of broken stella packs on the back that will be written off, you interested?"

"Very sir, but unfortunateley can't touch em - wouldn't look good carrying em and would get in the way when issuing, but I appreciate the offer - have a nice day"

"And you"

 

 

Strolling around the ghost town that was my beat today, looking for non existant offenders, my mind started wandering of its own accord and I switched into autopilot mode. I strolled past an advert for a £25m lottery and instantly started spending it.

 

First off a new car, to be used to find the new house. For me, I fancy the Mercedes SLK 55 AMG - its not the most expensive car but it has 'the look' - I really like the Mclaren SLR but even with £25m I'd balk at spending £300k on a car.

 

Sitting in my new AMG, I'd then have to drive to the office to deliver the "shove your job" missive and cobblers to the notice period - so sue me :)

 

Now its time for a new house - I quite like the area I live in now so would probably stay within 10 miles but obviously upgrade somewhat - I have a hankering for a lake and a nice, unrestricted flat field for my newly purchased quiver of Flexifoil power kites - at least one for all wind types. Then a house each for the squids to get them out of our lives and get some real peace for a change. Having got all that sorted it's time to take the AMG to France for our 2nd home - as big as we can get in or around St Valery on the Somme estuary. I'd also fork out for a French tutor so that I could 'fit in' down the local and understand and enjoy the local gossip. A 3rd house in the sun would be needed, but not sure where - might leave that up to the missus (I'm betting on Greece or Turkey)

 

Still in autopilot mode, but with a stupid grin on my face making people think I'm a heartless bastard that has probably booked 40 cars today.

 

Now thats about £5m gone but so what. Time for some frivolities. A boat, inland cruiser type, on the Canal du Midi. A helicopter and lessons and a left hand drive car for the continent - maybe a Saab 9-3. I'd have someone build me the ultimate gaming PC and use the biggest plasma on the market as a monitor. I'd ensure that our kitchens were state of art as we both enjoy cooking, - wouldn't mind forking out for some lessons from a top chef - Ainsley I think as he amuses me greatly.

 

I'd guess that now would be the time to take a few months to 'do the world', go to the places I've always dreamt of - Machu Piccu, Japan, revisit Africa (Rorkes Drift), Oz and, oddly, I'd like to go to the deepest point in the ocean to see what's there. China also on the list as 'er indoors' has always wanted to see the Terracotta Army. Add a load of shite that I'd waste money on that would more than likely see of another £5m, leaving 15.

 

Fiends and family - give some away, lets say another £5m leaving the £10m to live off the interest. Oh well, dreams are dreams - but I've already got my Euromillions ticket for tomorrow, so if this blog doesn't get updated for the next few months you'll kno why

 

 

 

Out on the streets today, albeit very nervously. I issued half a doz PCNS and just avoided trouble as much as possible. In the end the only grief I got was for another PA's tickets - but I wriggled out of it by showing it wasn't me and buggering off sharpish. 5 of the 6 PCN's were issued on disabled bay abusers and the 6th on a BB holder abusing the badge. I'm in all weekend - 2 of us tomorrow and on my tod Sunday - deep joy.

 

When I got in this morning there was a note asking me to make a report on the conversations with the female driver and her husband, just when I'm trying to forget all about it I'm sorry, but as there is no action being taken I can't see the point and I can't remeber it anyway. I've made a few enquiries about different jobs now - having decided the pittance paid is most definitely not worth putting my life at risk for (but then what amount is?) and I'm hoping to switch jobs at some stage in the near future.

 

Another assault today - a much more serious affair which I got off very lightly. The husband of an aggrieved lady motorist sought me out, tried to run me over,  then knocked me to the ground and prepared to put the boot in big time. As luck would have it his wife stopped him but I really thought my time was up. Frustrated at not being able to injure me more, he then threatened a witness with death if she said anything to the police. My colleague then arrived on the scene, called the police and after a few minutes of swearing and threats, matey buggered off before the police arrived.

 

I am now seriously evaluating my position - I can honestly say I had never been so scared in all my life - and all the while it was happening there was absoluteley nothing I could do about it as we have no safety backup whatsoever - and there was no way he would have stopped for a couple of minutes while I used a mobile to call the police. We have no protective clothing, no defence of any sort apart from a 30 minute session with an instructor telling us what we can do to protect yourself - sweet FA when you are lying on the floor with 6 ft of furious muscle towering over you.

 

I was due to work the early 05:00 - 13:30 shift today but I really couldn't face going out on the streets again - all I have to do is picture the guy and I start shaking uncontrollably. TBPH I'm not sure I will be able to go on the streets again I'm so shaken up. I have a couple of days off and will be visiting job centres etc as I really don't want to do this anymore - especially when the powers that be couldn't give a monkeys about the safety of the PA's on the street.

 

I suppose it had to happen, but I actually had to call the Police today after some bloke had a pop at me - the fecking annoying thing being I hadn't issued a ticket to him at all, he just decided that I was a complete bastard for moving cars away from a school entrance instead of letting them sit there and completely block the road. I was trying to move on a motor parked square on the school zigzags, had decided it wasn't worth a ticket as the driver was on her way back anyway, I just wanted her away as she was the main obstruction. I was chivvying her along when this bloke came up behind me, called me all the names under the sun (really nasty language and kids everywhere) and then kept trying to stop me issuing a ticket which I wasn't issuing anyway. I had enough of his antics and told him to sod off and do his own job and leave me to do mine when he just bunched both his fists and belted me in the chest. I was staggered a bit, then friggin furious. I went after him while also calling the police but he wouldn't have any of it and retreated. I tried to keep him in sight so that when the police arrived I could direct them but he turned a corner and disappeared, and that was that. I was left feeling frustrated that I didn't retaliate and smear the git, but also relieved that I hadn't and had maintained, as much as possible, a professional approach. In the end I called the police again and told them not to bother as I'd lost him and had no idea if he had a vehicle or anything, and went back to my beat.

 

When chatting with my supervisor about the incident, it rang bells with him as he had had a carbon copy attack a few months back. Comparing descriptions of the guy led us to believe it was the same bloke - handy as we have his address. Nothing more will be done about it now but I will be down that school everyday for the next few weeks hoping to see the prat again, this time with some handy witnesses.

 

Well, after dropping the 5 min observation period to 2 minutes a week or two ago, today was the first chance we had to try it out on the main intended targets - ths School Runs. This yielded a lot of amusement for us as my colleague and I issued 5 tickets in very quick succession on some of the people who had the 5 mins obs timed to perfection - the look on their faces when they came back to their nicely adorned 4X4s was a joy to behold. Mind you, we were some distance away avoiding the incoming flak (succesfully I might add).

 

It will now be very intersting to see if this has the desired effect of reducing the anount of vehicles on the school run or, as I suspect, a subtle change in tactics by the mothers ensuring that a driver is always left with the vehicle. I'm going to try a school in the morning on Thursday as the 2 mins should allow us a chance of scoring on the drop offs.

 

Re-reading my last post, it comes across that I am a complete bastard to joe public et al and really cgaf. I don't go out to attract trouble in any way, most of the day I chat amiably with JP, victims or not, am always ready with advice on how to appeal any PCN's and avoid them in the future and often go out of my way to help anyone out.

 

However, as I've said before, I will not be abused by anyone without giving it back, but even then it is purely personal and forgotten about within minutes and only rarely noted down. What I will not take however is threats in any shape , form or fashion to my family who have bugger all to do with anything that happens on the streets - even though I know there is virtually no chance of location as I live the best part of 70 miles from where I work. Anyone threatening my family risks immediate physical attention from me and I care not at all about any consequences from Police, employers or anyone at all.

 

In this job you make freinds and enemies (although I think enemies is too strong a word) - but I will not 'hunt' down anyone at all (once a PCN is issued, thats it as far as I'm concerned), but if someone continues to abuse contraventions then I am bound to come up against them time and time again and 'relationships' will become strained.

 

The last time I had any truck with the flower people was over 3 months ago (shift and beat rotation) and, if I happened to meet them in a pub I'd be more than happy to buy them a pint - work is work and it ends when I go home. I bear no grudges but do get pissed off when people KNOWINGLY continue to abuse the rules as they think they have some special privilege - and never do.

 

End of rant

 

Well, due to sickness and holidays it wound up with myself and my colleague to cover the whole of the Borough today - no great shakes really as we work well together, don't get fazed and generally have a laugh, albeit often at the punters expense - quite literally. We thought we'd start at the 'quiet' end and work up to a grand finale at the more heavily used (or abused) end of the Borough. The plan worked perfectly right up to th moment we got out of the van - the supposed 'quiet' end was heaving and we were tripping over naughtily parked cars everywhere - 1 hour netted 5 PCN's apiece and 2 coffees, then dried up a bit so we headed off to the central area.

 

I struggled mightily here for a couple of hours with a 'sod all' result and my colleague fared a little better but we'd probably have been better employed catching tunbleweeds. Anyway, this brought us up to lunchtime so we whizzed off to our fave park, grabbed a table and sat in the sun scoffing salad and sandwiches, rounded off with a nice cuppa that had only been brewing for a month or two and disolved anything put into it.

 

Suitable refreshed, we parked up at the 'north' end of the high street where there is a 300 yd section of highly enforceable bus lane - all instant tickets and went off to clear the 8 or so vehicles parked there. In the middle of this stretch is a flower shop that has caused me major grief in the past - I have been cursed frequently by the Romany owners (oddly no apparent effect, I'm obviously too pagan for their curses to work), sworn at, threatened personally and been told that my family was in danger as well. Two cars were parked outside the shop, both belonging to them as I knew well, but as i strolled up and started taking details they came out of the shop. My hackles rose immediately but today was different - surprised to see me they offered to move the cars straight away - fine by me and I reminded them that Saturdays was 'no parking' all day and instant tickets and we parted on fairly equitable terms.

 

 

With this zone now cleared, we parked up in the main car park and prepared for the worse - but really didn't need to worry. There is a section of the car park reserved for local businesses that, TBH, is not really used at weekends but have been paid for annualy so we have to enforce on anyone parking there and not displaying the permit. Now, this area has 10 bays and is clearly marked with 3 ft high wording on the road as well as each bay being numbered. So this obviously is a 'no go' zone - is it my arse - we had 3 parked there straight away so issued rapidly and buggered off as quick as we could as this is a highly contentious area (besides we'd noticed the turning circle was loaded with contraventions when driving in and were eager to show our faces there). The circle was a bit of a let down as most of the contraventions had drivers sitting in them and they all disappeared at a great rate of knots as soon as we rounded the corner. We went round the block to the other car park, passed the disputed zone of the 'taxi highway' (empty - amazing), nabbed a taxi parked on a rank (tut tut - how many times have we told them "don't leave the car") and went off to the bottom end of the highstreet for a bit of mayhem. No joy there really, so gave up and went back to the van, getting another on the reserved bays as we went.

 

It was now getting up for home time so we went back to the North high street and bugger me if the bloody flowers shop's van wasn't parked back in the bus lane. I parked up and issued a PCN without being seen, until of course I started taking photos - then all hell broke loose.I had my normal ruck with the 'big daddy' for being a right C**T, got cursed (again) and just to add to the fun, had the son baying for my blood as well - all this while the two I'd spoken to earlier stood by with friggin halos acting all innocent. Big Daddy was holding his son back and I was asking him to let him go so I could call the police and put an end to this once and for all (as well as kick the shit out of him first). In the end we just swapped more insults for a few minutes then I got bored, saw my colleague approaching (had been issuing outside the Job Centre), told ell fatto and his son just what they could do to each other in no uncertain terms, and exited, stage left.

 

We have been whinged at in the past couple of weeks as the amount of issued PCN's has gone down but the two of us today netted the council not far short of £1000 so if we ever get that "work harder" shit again I'll certainly have something to say about it.

 

Opposite the local job centre is a damn good kebab shop run (as usual) by a group of turks. Directly outside of their shop they have 4 private bays 'for customers only' - directly outside the job centre on both sides of the road is a no loading zone, 02 contravention, instant ticket etc - can you guess where this is going?.

 

The Kebab shop owner called me over to ask if I could do anything to stop his private bays being abused by the job centre users, pointing to a black VW and stating how the driver had stuck it there and told the owner to F off when asked to move it. This is one of those unfortunate circumstances where I am completely powerless as I have no authority whatsoever on private land. I explained the situation and we were discussing ways that we might get round the problem when the VW owner came back. This dick had a real chip on his shoulder and was as obnoxious as any others I have met - he was ready for a ruck with the proprietor but I could see was uncertain what to do about me. In the end he moved the car and said he was going to park on the road - I advised him not to and he drove off up the road. Turning back to the owner, we continued our conversation and when I glanced round to check the 02's that bloody VW had come back and parked there. I headed for it, taking details as I went but he'd left a guard who yelled a warning and the driver came barreling out, calling me all the names under the sun. He got into the car and started to slowly move when his girlfriend came out of the job centre.

"Get a real job you fat wanker" she yelled

"Get a job" I yelled back

We then spent a couple of minutes trading insults - I'm arsed if I'll take this shit without giving it back in spades until eventually I hit a sore point and she really lost it. At this point the VW driver and his mate started heading for me as well, threatening to kick my head in - I dared them to try as I already had all the details of the car and the police would soon know about it but that didn't faze them and they kept coming. I braced myself and got ready to get in first (legal if I think I am in real danger, and I did) when they seemed to have second thoughts, stopped, glared at me then retired back to the car and drove off. I was a bit puzzled till I turned back to the kebab shop to see the entire staff standing just behind me armed to the teeth.

"You no worry, we look after you, you help us and we help you. Now you come have nice apple tea and kebab."

My legs were a bit wobbly so I took them up on the tea offer

 

I was sitting in a cafe with my colleague earlier today, putting the world to rights as you do. We'd enjoyed a nice drink, chatted amiably with people who actually talked to us civily and not paid any real attention to the Post Office worker in the corner, who had been present when we entered and was still sitting there when we left 15 mins later. Still chatting away outside as we prepared to go our different ways, ny colleague noticed a Post Office van parked up on the SYL about 150 yards away - generally ignored as the posties are normally doing their job. I think it was the 'Don't even think about it' look from matey boy in the cafe that picqued my colleagues attention, so she headed straight for it, and about 3 minutes later it was sporting a bright yellow addition. Matey then left the cafe, saw my colleague and then the PCN, and went apeshit. He claimed that he had been loading when we knew all he had been loading was his face. He was quoting chapter and verse about supposed rules that govern the issuing of PCN's to PO vehicles - all total bollox. As my colleague stated, if he had been seen to be doing his job, then no PCN would have been issued. If he'd said something in the cafe about returning to his van then the chances are that nothing would have happened, as it was he was just a total arse and got what he deserved.

 

Amazingly quiet today - took the early opportunity to refresh the blips on a troublesome stretch of road making it blatantly obvious that tihs is indeed an 02 - no parking at all, don't even think about it zone. The pair of us zipped about all over the shop but the main action was always wherever we weren't - by the time we'd struggled to get 4 between us the other PA out today had scored 10+ in the first 2 hours.

 

The afternoon however yielded the absolute highlight of the week for me. As I've blogged before, we are having trouble with Taxis and as I patrolled a normally high taxi count area, I rounded the corner and sure enough there were 3 cabs on an 02 stretch that they'd decided was now a taxi rank. I've been moving these gits on for weeks and never getting anywhere because as soon as my back is turned they are back, so today i just sighed, headed towards them, inputting the details of the nearest one as I went. For some reason their PA radar was on the fritz today and I wound up printing the PCN right next to the nearsest available cab. As I ripped the ticked from the printer the cabbie 'woke up', fantically stuck the cab in reverse making it easy for my to hand hime the PCN with a big smile on my face. He then threw the cab into first, accelerated away, swerved to miss the cab he'd been parked behind and failed miserably. There was a noisy, crunchy sound as he scraped his passenger door all down the side of the other illegaly parked cab (also panicking at this point). He then pulled up in the middle of the road, blocking the buses entrance into the bus station and had a pop at me because I was wrong to issue a PCN to him when he was sitting in his cab on the rank.

 

My problem now was that I was in agony - I was struggling so hard not to fall about out laughing that my stomache felt like it was bursting as I viewed the 'down to the metal' scar all down the side of the cab. Nearly choking I enquired which rank he was talking about as I did'nt know of one in this area and with his limited English he cursed and indicated the 02 area. To make matters worse (for him not me) the other cabbie was now ranting at him for damaging his cab and I just sidled away to write up my notes. Just to rub salt into the wound I couldn't resist wandering back over once I'd completed the notes and photos to tell them that they had me with them all next week and that I'd be more than happy to spend the whole week sitting on top of their 'rank' in order to stop them abusing the lines. It should prove to be a bit of fun I'm thinking

 

 

Not really - not as far as the 'punters' were concerned anyway. Once again it is assumed that as its a bank holiday that all lines are invalid and that there will be no PA's out and about - wrong on both counts (although there were only 2 of us today).TBH I was really dreading today, expecting so much flak from Joe Public for totally screwing up their holiday but, remembering that all car parks were free today so there really was no excuse for risking a fine by abusing the lines, I was more than ready to dish out the PCN's. - The actual number issued was small - a hell of a lot smaller than I expected, and most from one smallish area. However, the 'offences' were so bloody blatant in just about every case - mainly 02 contraventions with no driver anywhere in sight - they'd just assumed they were safe and buggered off.

 

My colleague and I patrolled the whole borough, flitting about everywhere with no set pattern, but as the area is not exactly a mecca for shopping the line activity was incredibly small and the amount of cars on the street well down from a normal day - the car parks however were bursting at the seams. I was expecting fun with taxi drivers but most of them appeared to have taken the day off, and as for the mafioso Ice Cream vans - all carefully parked out of our juristiction and happily selling.

 

We went down one road and were amazed to see about 20 cars all parked on the lines outside their houses - half on the road and half pavement, all of them causing obstruction as there was only enough room for one car to fit between those parking legally and those not. We parked up, kitted up and went out to do battle - deciding to err on the side of caution and start from one end and sticking together for safety, we managed to issue on a pair of vehicles each before the penny dropped and people started erupting from their houses, calling us all the names under the sun, threatening to call the council and get a stop put to this blatant infringement of their right to park outside their house on a bloody Bank Holiday, all of which fell on deaf ears as we were well past the point of caring what they thought about us or the job we were doing and if they did manage to get a stop put to the bank holiday shifts I'd be the first down the pub to celebrate. The pair each was all we acquired and just about every car managed to park legally on the other side of the road, about 15 ft from where they'd originally parked, which of course is what they should have done in the first place but that extra 15 feet was obviously just a bit too far.

 

Oh well, back again tomorrow for some normal Saturday grief.

 

A bit of excitement today to change what was turning into a boring (but very warm) shift. I was strolling along the high street, heading towards my favourite lurking place near the loading bays, when I started to smell petrol, just a faint hint at first but getting progressively stronger as I walked along. About 50 yards ahead I could see a 4X4 parked in a puddle in a roadside bay - odd as we'd had no rain at all and the road camber precluded a gathering of water in that area. The closer I got the stronger the smell until I was alongside the vehicle and could see the petrol dripping steadily from the tank - oh shit. I was nonplussed, I didn't know what to do - phone the fire brigade sprang to mind but seemed a bit extreme. I phoned my supervisor who advised me to phone Field Force at base wjo might have some numbers for me - a great help really. At this point the owner turned up and said he was aware of the problem and had called for roadside assistance, who should be arriving in a few minutes. We had to move upwind at this point as the fumes were really making us gag, and about this time I noticed just how many people in the street were puffing away happily on cigarettes that appeared to have grown to about 3 ft long. The owner stationed himself about 20 ft away and persuaded any smokers to either put it out or cross the road and I tried the same the other side of the car.

 

After about 20 minutes and no sign of the promised assistance, the puddle was steadily growing and I was getting more and more jittery - I could already see the headline "Bastard Traffic Warden Blows Up Car For Parking Too Long" when the sound of a concrete mixer broke through my panicking - with a sudden rush of blood to the head I collared a handy OAP and asked him to stop anyone smoking going anywhere near the car and rushed over the road to a building site. After explaining the situation I was handed a huge plastic bag and the foreman put 4 or 5 shovefulls of sand into it. I then hefted it over my shoulder and staggered back to the 4X4 where we poured it out all over the spill and under the drip as best we could. The fumes were drastically reduced immediately and we both breathed a sigh of relief.

 

The assistance eventualy turned up about 50 minutes later with a spare car on the back to swap, but of course had to hold up the traffic for about 10 mins as he manouvered to unload and load. The owner dived into Tesco's and came back with an 8 pack of Fosters which he handed to me with thanks - I explained I couldn't accept it but he refused to take it back so, as soon as he had left and we were back to Defcon 1 I went back to the building site and handed the beer to the foreman with thanks - as the temperature was about 18 at this point and the workers were sweating like pigs the beer went down a storm.

 

And that was that - all back to normal and cars parked over the pile of petrol/sand within 2 mins of the bay being freed up, neither knowing nor caring or even curious about the smell eminating from the pile. I was happy (or more hoping) that the pile was relatively safe but just to be on the safe side I did a return trip to the building site for a bucket of water to dampen the sand down and then buggered off for a well earned coffee and sandwich. It is worth noting that eating a sandwich with petrol covered hands does much to impair the taste of whatever the hell I was eating.

 

I had a bit of fun with a numski in a loading bay today. I came across his car parked happily in the bay very clearly marked "GOODS VEHICLES ONLY" and oddly no sign of driver at all. I rattled his details into the HHC and was told he had the now shortened 2 mins observation so set about writing all the details up. I wasn't rushing so by the time I'd finished 4 of his 2 minutes were past, by the time I printed the PCN it was 5 mins (the 'old' discretionary period) and still no sign of any activity loading wise so on went the PCN, photos taken, a mental note made of the fact that there was another PCN sitting on the passenger seat and off I trotted.

 

I only went about 150 yds for my regular battle with the taxi drivers (by now at least 6 of them parked on the 02 section of DYL) and the loading bay was still in view when I noticed the driver return with his son, get into the car (no loading of any sort), notice the PCN, get out, grab it and get back in. He then spotted me over the other side of the road standing by the recently vacated stretch of DYL (taxis zooming off in all directions) and promptly drove over and stopped directly in front of my, on the DYL.

"Did you just give me this bloody ticket?"

"That I did sir"

"What the bloody hell for?"

"not loading or unloading in a clearly marked loading bay while under observation by myself, sir"

"I was loading"

"Not while I was observing the vehicle sir"

"I loaded it after" - you bloody liar

"You were not seen loading or unloading your vehicle during the observation period sir and for that reason you were issued the PCN"

"This is bloody ridiculous, I had e very right to park there as I was loading"

"Actually no sir, you had no right to be there at all as the bay is quite clearly signed for goods vehicles only, and by no stretch of the imagination can a Nissan Micra be classed as a goods vehicle, especially as it is not liveried in any way"

"I'm not having this, I want your name and to see your identification"

"Sorry sir, but my name you will not get, you can see my number clearly on my shoulder and that is what you can quote if you wish to complain"

"That is not good enough, I want to see your identification - you might be a fake traffic warden"

"Can you truly believe that someone would be stupid enough to pretend to be a traffic warden - what the hell for - unless of course he is a masochist and raving luny to boot. We do not carry identification sir, the uniform and shoulder tags are warrented good enough for the job"

"Well I am going to report you"

"Feel free to do so sir, but may I also suggest you move your car immediately or I will just have to pres this button and issue you with another PCN for stopping on a restricted stretch of highway" - total bluff but worth it for the look on his face - he drove off.

 

I got into work this morning after having a few days of due to family problems and discovered that someone has actually been listening to PA's and, after a meeting the other day, the discretionary 5 min observation period has been reduced to 2 minutes. In effect this makes all SYL and DYL violations a virtual instant ticket as by the time that all the info has been punched in and a couple of notes written the time is up and the PCN can be issued. We will still be giving 5 min obs on loading bays etc as it is hardly fair or effective to only observe for 2 mins but it does give us the option to use the 2 min obs on any cars parked in a 'goods vehicle only' loading bay, which should please the van drivers immensely as they always have problems parking to unload due to the loading bays location outside banks. What I am looking forward to is the return to school when all the mums are going to get a hell of a shock - but at least it will make it safer for the kids at school close as even with the best will in the world I can't see anyone managing to park, get to the school, pick up the kids and get back to the car in 2 minutes, so I am going to be very busy over the next few weeks untill the new regs sink in with the drivers. What I can also see is a hell of a lot of grief coming my way as it will obviously all be my fault, as usual.

 

I was patrolling a smallish section of 20 minute bays earlier, just taking vehicle details when a nice new 07 Porsche pulled into an empty bay. The lady driver got out, went over and checked the sign, then locked up and wandered off as I noted her details. As she had checked the sign I was pretty certain that the vehicle would be gone when I returned but much to my surprise it was still there when I returned 35 mins later (delayed issuing on other 20 min bays). By the time I actually issued the PCN on the Porsche it had been parked in the 20 min bay for 47 minutes so I was happy to issue but none the less still puzzled as to why the driver had not returned. I turned to the next car (also overstaying its welcome) and was just starting when:-

"What the fuck is this ticket for?" - aha - miss Porsche has returned

"You have parked for well over the 20 minutes allowed madam"

"You jobsworh prick - I'm allowed an hour - I checked the sign"

"No madam, you are allowed to park for 20 mins and not allowed to return for 1 hour"

"That's not what the sign says"

"Shall we go and have a look together then - if indeed you are right then I will withdraw the ticket as a PA error" - no chance

So we walked over and looked and surprise surprise I was right.

"For fucks sake, I was only gone for about 25 minutes - you really are a bloody jobsworth issuing when only 5 minutes over the top"

"May I suggest you have a good look at the ticket madam, where you will see that you actually parked there for 47 minutes, and if you can remember that far back you should recall that I was standing right here when you parked - you even looked at me before checking the sign"

"I was stuck in the fucking bank - how the hell was I supposed to know I was going to be there that long?"

"And how was I supposed to know that either?"

"You are a complete fucking wanker"

"It takes one to know one I guess"

"Are you callimg me a wanker - I'll fucking have your job"

"No madam - you are and you are welcome to my job - I'm sure as hell not paid enough for this kind of crap every day"

She got into her car, glared at me a bit more, then got out and took the PCN of the screen, got back in, called me a cunt and reversed out in such a rush she damn near rammed a bus, causing the bus to slam its anchors on and the driver to remonstrate with her in no uncertain terms, much to my amusement. I was sorely tempted to take a couple of pics for this blog but thought that might just add fuel to the fire so contented myself with a good giggle and retired, stage left. By the time this was over the other vehicle I was issuing to had long since buggered off scott free but that's no skin off my nose.

 

It's been relatively quiet on the streets recently - had a severe ruck with a guy the other day - this was (so far) the only time I have been so bloody angry that I really wanted him to take another swing at me so that I could deck him. It was only his wife seeing how much trouble that he was getting himself into and stepping between us that calmed the situation down. I'll freely admit it was totally unprofessional of me but you can only take so much and this guy pushed me way past the break point. My colleague with me at the time was phoning the police as she thought it was going to develop into a real fracas but in the end he took my advice and drove off, threatening to find me (with his brothers) and smear me all over the road - mind you he'll have to go to the back of the queue

 

I went up to one of my favourite schools today for a bit of peace and quiet, had a nice chat with a disabled driver, noticed a sodding great Lexus 4X4 pull up on the SYL and mosey'd over to move her on. I got the normal "where the hell am I supposed to park then" and gave her my standard reply, reserved for stuck up tarts, "wherever I can't find you to put a ticket on" and smiled gracefully as she drove off. By this time a couple more cars had pulled up opposite on the lines but put up the Blue Badges so were left well alone. In addition I had a Transit unloading to a garden building site so all was well under control. A few mins later and Mrs Stuck Up drove up again, stopped the car and yelled at me for not moving on these other vehicles. I explained why I hadn't which of course was not good enough for her so she started on at me again but I really couldn't be arsed so just started logging her details in the hand held - she got the message and drove off again. Five mins later and the vast majority of the cars had gone so I strolled back to the van ready to drive off. As I came round the corner Mrs Stuck Up had reparked on the original bit of DYL I'd moved her off of 10 mins ago. I pulled over right next to her, wound the window down and in no uncertain terms told her to move it again - I still had her details in my HHC and was quite prepared to leap out of the van and issue the ticket. At this point her child appeared, got in the car and she reversed away far too fast yelling "you'll have to get up early to catch me". So that was it then, a challenge. It amazes me how people never realise that pissing off a Parking Attendant is not a good move - especially one who already has every detail needed to quickly issue a PCN next time. Watch this space

 

I can't put my finger on it, but today nothing seemed to gel at all. Patrolwise, today was virtually a carbon copy of yesterday - same amount of PCN's, same locations, in one case the same car, all in all total sameness and I was bored to bits.  I recieved absolutely no grief from anyone, there were no drive by wank0rigs at all, not even a single 'get a real job', I just wandered from A to B dressed in blue and feeling decidedly blue as well.

 

One of the car parks regularly patrolled was a freebie today as the P&D machine went tits up and by the time the engineer arrived I was on my way home. Needless to say the users of said car park were quite happy, but also very nervous whenever I came into view, often rushing up to me to clarify that the machine was indeed kaputt and that they would not be in trouble for not displaying a ticket.

 

I had a good chat with a couple of new taxi drivers, after explaining the difference between 'waiting' in a taxi rank and parking in the same. They just did not realise that by leaving the cars there and sodding off to the kebab shop rendered them liable for a 45 contravention and instant ticket. The rank in question has always been a bit dodgy and is heavily abused by Joe Public which means I tend to spend a fair part of my day haunting that particular area, more than often at the request of taxi drivers as they can't get onto the rank in the first place. The fact that it is directly outside one of the largest pubs in the borough doesn't really help either - especially after 5ish when a few bevvies have been sunk and the patrons feel brave enough to come out mob handed and give any PA within range some serious stick. The upshot of it all is that the drivers I was chatting to will be having words with their colleagues that give us so much grief down the other end of the borough and hopefully we will be able to come to an arrangement vis s vis the DYL 02 section that they are using as a rank atm.

 

One of the PA's biggest gripes is that we have absolutely nowhere to go whenever we take a break that doesn't cost us money - we can wind up spending upwards of £5 every day just for teas etc as we cannot carry sandwiches/flasks about with us and the management solution of leaving food etc in one of the mobile vans that can be brought to us at break is just not feasible as nine times out of ten the van is often 'busy' when needed. Theoreticaly we can use rooms in the council 'shops' located in each of the main areas but oddly we are as welcome there as a turd in a swimming pool - and that is from other council staff ffs who always seem to find a reason not to let us park our arses. A few of us now take our own cars with us on patrol just so that we can have somewhere to crash at break times, but of course we are bound by the same rules a Joe Public and either have to pay in a car park or find somewhere free (not too hard really if you know where to look and lets face it if anyone knows how to get free parking it is a PA) - oh yes, wasn't there a free car park somewhere today

So for today at least I had a modicum of comfort at lunch - a good book, some decent butties and a huge flask of sweet coffee, the only problem being the constant queries from J.P. about the buggered ticket machine .

 

Who would have believed it - this time last week I was patrolling wearing just a shirt and loving it - now I'm back to coat, jumper, fleece and overjacket and still freezing my arse off. Then getting blasted by hail really helped - and some of the hail was rather large and painfull - oh well, the joys of an outdoor job - rofl.

 

I stuck a ticket on a motorbike today - the first time I've really bothered as generally they are left well out of the way and not really causing a nuisance, but this guy stuck it smack in the middle of a disabled bay so I really didn't have a great deal of choice. I avoided the car parks as much as possible today as the wind howls across them and cuts like a knife and I was getting pissed off with chasing my cap all over the bloody place, so I patrolled the high street and slapped tickets on cars in bus stops, taxi ranks and of course the disabled bays. As per usual the more I hung around, the more invisible I became and cars kept stopping directly in front of me. The real amusement was the look on the drivers faces when they returned to their vehicles from the cash point, bank or sarnie shop to see a bright yellow PCN on their windscreen - normally having been away for about 3 minutes ( but apparently that is perfectly ok to block a bus stop for 'only' 3 minutes - maybe they are reading a different rule book). Oddly though there was rarely any verbal - just that superb pained expression and a resigned sigh.

 

The hail then snow came down so hard around 3 ish I just gave up, took shelter in my motor and read a book till it all passed over - really spooky though how dark it suddenly got before the great deluge - then all of a sudden the wind just wasn't there any more, and, just as I was wondering what the F was going on, back came the wind with a mighty howl and down (or more accurately along) came the white stuff.

 

Bright and early tomorrow - I'm heading off to the school I was patrolling in the afternoons last week just to let them know that double yellows are enforceable 24 hrs - muahhhahhahha